Personal Essay: my mother fell in love with her physical therapist.

My father threw a whiskey glass through the wall. The sound was reminiscent of a gunshot, and the thick-bottomed glass was left unsatisfyingly unbroken and un-chipped on the ground. It may have been a warranted reaction, his wife had just disclosed her feelings for her female physical therapist and Christmas was three days away, there surely were many worse things he could have done. The hollow space in the drywall was just a foot to the left of three stockings hung in a row, a tangible representation of the bitter taste left in the mouth of my household that December evening. 

The physical therapist whom my mother fell in love with is Aja Merrill, a Mormon mother of three, divorced for fifteen years, living in Roy, Utah. There was no spark, no fairy tale romance that budded the moment they laid eyes on each other when Aimee stepped foot into the physical therapy office in March of 2020. They met bi-weekly for appointments for the better half of the year. They didn't communicate outside of the office until Fall of 2021. 

Their relationship shifted from client to friend when Aimee dropped her daughter off at college. Her only child was freshly twelve hours away, and the two bonded over the pain of a child leaving the home. 

The coming weeks were full of support, and their bi-weekly interactions turned to daily ones, check-ins to make sure that Aimee was taking care of herself in the months following her empty nest.

"It hit me like a ton of bricks."

Aimee was sitting at her desk, finishing up her work for the day. "I thought about her, and I felt this intense chest ache. I thought, 'oh, I must really miss my friend.'" She took two steps across her office, and placed her hand on the cool metal doorknob to leave. "Then I thought, oh shit. Oh no. It's feelings." As the emotions sunk in, the anger and frustration grew. 

"I remember thinking, what a cruel fucking joke." Said Aimee. "It was the worst case scenario, I was gifted the best friend that I could ever ask for, and I could never tell her how I felt. It felt like the beginning of my end."

Aimee broke down weeping to her husband, Jay, in the kitchen. "I don't know why this is happening." She said. "I have these feelings for her. I don't know what to do." 

Her husband patted her on the back, slowly droning "we will get through this" to lull her heaving sobs. 

"I was just so happy for her to have a friend." Said Jay. "The initial stages weren't really hard on me. My thought process was 'you need to work that out, because it really can't go anywhere."

And it really couldn't go anywhere. Aja was active in her Mormon faith and community, and their doctrine is explicit to exclude women who fall in love with their female physical therapy clients. Aja still had no inkling of feelings for Aimee when Aimee filed for divorce in December of 2021. 

Aimee texted Aja to say that she couldn't speak to her anymore, she had a mess to take care of at home. She didn't share that the mess in question was her filing for divorce. 

Aja still had no idea that Aimee had feelings. 

"I had no idea what was happening when she told me we couldn't be friends," Said Aja. "I just knew that I was a problem. I couldn't stop crying the whole day. Heavy, ugly, crying, with no idea why." 

Aimee visited Aja at home, hoping to give context as to why their friendship had to end and why it was such a worthy experience. Aimee had no intention of sharing her feelings until she walked into Aja's home and saw her in the dark bedroom, curled up in the fetal position, weeping on her bed. 

Aimee sat down next to her on the bed and told her that she was getting divorced. 

"I understand why we were friends now," Aimee said to Aja, whose head was nestled in her sheets, face wet with tears. "Our friendship has let me experience unconditional love for the first time in my life." Said Aimee. "Being friends with you gave me the courage that I needed to leave my marriage. Something I've tried to do for so long and never been able to." 

Aja was grateful to have some clarity, but was still left without context to why they couldn't be friends. 

"I know that this friendship was beneficial for you, too." Said Aimee. "We needed to know each other so you could experience someone falling mind, body, and soul in love with you. So that when you meet him, you will feel it. Because that's what has happened. I've fallen in love with you."

Aimee knew she would walk out of Aja's home having lost it all. Her friendship and her marriage would dissipate within the span of a week, leaving her fully alone. 

Aja remained silent for a few minutes. 

"When I heard Aimee say the word 'him', when you find 'him' it felt wrong." Said Aja. "I looked up and said, the feeling is mutual."

Aimee got up and left, shocked to hear the last response she thought she'd get. She didn't visit Aja's home again for three weeks when her divorce was finalized. They've been in a relationship for the last two years.

"People say you're supposed to take some positives out of experiences like this." Said Jay, "It just left me empty to the point where I don't want to be close to anyone anymore."

"Aimee might not think this, but she's my soulmate," said Jay. "She's the only person that I've ever loved in this world."